It was nice to relax after work. I imagined taking Tom on this was when he visits. Then I felt sad thinking of you. You haven't seen this side of Chester. We haven't walked the dog together. It feels strange to have a part of my life that's mine- I've always felt I've had you to go check on situations before I walk into them. Whether that's checking under my bunk bed for monsters, checking my flat is secure or hauling my things to a new city so I could settle.
Sometimes I'm overwhelmingly sad I don't have time with just you anymore. I hope you know how much I love just being with you. Doing nothing but walking or siting in silence.
This evening I remembered how much of a content walker you are. You were so happy just to walk, at the back of a crowd, hands in pockets taking in the situation around you. That's why I know you'd love that dog walk. And it makes me sad you can't just get up and walk alongside me anymore
Margaret thatcher died today. I tried to pretend we were walking together discussing her. I'd have some opinion I'd read online and taken as my own, but you'd take the walk as an opportunity to tell me all you know about her. Showing me up completely, with quiet confidence.
I kept thinking of when we went to the caravan when we were kids. I was about 7. One night, one summer. Mum was cooking tea in the galley kitchen. We were sitting round the dining-table-come-bed. One of the superman films was on the flickering telly. We had been at the beach all day and were all frazzled.
I had a blazing headache and god was I whinging, we didn't have any calpol left and you said a cure for headaches is to go for a walk. So we did. Just me and you. We just put on our shoes and walked off the veranda lnto the fields.Now I realise you were getting me out of those cramped living quarters to let mum cook in peace. But at the time I felt special. Not just that you shared this secret cure with me, but that I got you to myself for an hour. So we could walk in silence along the rocky path whilst the sun set.
That's how I felt this evening. I thought I could smell it the memory was that strong.
So whilst I'm happy I've done a few things today you would bd proud of (and they are)
1 manage to take care of another living thing and not kill it
2 walk away from work at 5 and not think about it again
3 try to be a good person all day
4 find out stuff about Margaret thatcher I didn't know before judging her even fired.
I just feel sad in knowing this isn't just a dog walk I haven't done with you, but a whole chapter of my life, the only chapter of my life, you haven't read ahead for me yet.
Love you sausage fingers.
Lx.
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